Posts tagged funny

NEW YORK— Wisconsin wunderkind Paul Ryan— Mitt Romney’s newest mascot to join his presidential squad— has been creating quite a stir lately, and now he’s leaving it all behind him.

Ryan, who is a P90X aficionado, has been boasting much about his “filthy abs o’ steel” and “titanium-hard obliques” for the past few days since his latest publicity stunt campaign announcement, and quite frankly, the people are just eating it up.

When asked about his fitness regimen, Ryan had this to say: “Well, it’s pretty much all about kinetic energy, babe. That’s the trick.. to just exploit your inner-brawn. Oh, and deltoids too, girl.”

After a recent sit-down on AC360 with CNN’s biggest ab-lover Anderson Cooper, Ryan discussed a new direction with the infatuated host that he was looking to endure.

“You know.. this whole election thing, it’s just nuts man. Don’t get me wrong bro, I live and breathe politics. But dude, my abs aren’t made of silly debates and philanthropy, they’re made of Wisconsin beets! I need to focus on what’s important right now.. and then some.”

Anderson, who was just giddy with jovial glee as he sat across from the shirtless VP hopeful, arched a brow in anticipation.

“I’ve decided to drop out of the race and pursue personal training.. body sculpting,” Ryan said smugly. “I think it’s a smart move. My wallet might take a hit, but whatevs bra.”

After proposing his newfound objective, both Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Matthew McConaughey came out from behind the curtain, shirtless of course, to join Ryan by his side.

The three of them, clad in leather chaps and knee-high snakeskin boots, then marched out of the room whistling “We Will Rock You.”

So what does this mean for America?

Well, be prepared to drink a boatload of protein shakes and get your swell on, because this election is going to rock you right where it hurts.. your bank account.

#ROMNEYRYAN2012 #KONY2012 #KSTEW2012 #STARBUCKS2012

GET IT..

NEW YORK— After weeks of gut-wrenching pain and incessant crying— probably the most beautiful tears to ever glaze a human being’s naked retinas— London heartthrob Robert Pattinson is ready to move on from ex lover Kristen Stewart.

“I’m going to try a different avenue,” Pattinson claimed as he sat with his arms folded smug, sitting opposite Kathie Lee and Hoda on Wednesday morning’s Today segment.

“I’m tired of the media, I’m tired of teeny-boppers, I’m sick of vampires.. and to be frank, Kristen is just a big, stinky meany head.”

When asked what he meant by “different avenue,” Pattinson claimed that he recently had become sexually infatuated with dogs.

“I don’t know what it is about them, but I like it. They’re mighty, god-like creatures.”

As Pattinson delivered his newfound adoration for canines, Hoda and Kathie Lee couldn’t help but dispense a few obnoxious guffaws. You know how utterly annoying they can be on their Box-O’-Wine Wednesdays.

When asked where this weird, random hankering came from, Pattinson had this to say: “I don’t know dude.. y’know? When we were shooting the Twilight films I would always see Taylor [Jacob] all dressed up as like, a wolf, you know? I mean, I’d always watch from a far.. but still. It really got my lava flowing.”

To the rest of the world this may appear odd, but according to sources familiar with Pattinson, this is nothing short of normal for the British stud.

“Yeah, he goes through phases like this a lot. When we were kids he used to make out with my mom all the time. At first you’re like ‘Hey!’ but then you kind of just get used to it,” said one source.

Sorry America, looks like you’ll have to find yourself a new heroic, pale, Greek god-like mannequin to gawk at.

I heard Michael Cera is single..

So, you went downtown to the local crappy dive bar and picked up a real bona fide, boner-driving hottie and now she has the luxury of accompanying you back to your bachelor pad..

Did you at least make the bed, shithead?

That should actually be the least of your worries, because if you’re like most dudes, you’ve already failed the test. Luckily for you, the girl you’re with is most likely too shitfaced to even remember your name, let alone the fact that you have a slab of plywood sitting on a paint bucket for a dinner table.

Regardless, for the future, you should be better prepared, and I’m here to help.

Let’s run through the list..

Books

Ladies like a man that is capable of reading. It’s not enough that you can converse because, I mean, let’s face facts, we’re all human. She wants proof that you’re not illiterate. Plus, she most likely enjoys reading too, so this way you two can share a commonality. She might even borrow some of your books. Just make sure your bookshelf isn’t saturated with gay Nicholas Sparks reads or the stupid Twilight series— chances are you’ll never see those books again.

*Always keep a book by the bed, it looks like you actually read.

Plants

If you’re independent, it would provide her comfort knowing that you’re capable of taking care of yourself and something else; something living (sorta). She’s not asking you to watch a baby for God’s sake (HELL NO), but for your own good, at least be able to maintain a plant’s care. Throw some fucking water in the pot and some peanuts, or whatever plants eat, and wait and watch. That plant will be beautiful before you know it. And guess what? She’ll be impressed. Just make sure to steer clear of those fake, ferny ones that just dangle. Ewww.

A Clean Bathroom

This isn’t a frat house anymore (I assume), so clean up your bathroom a little bit. Wipe the pube trimmings off of the sink (why they’re there to begin with is beyond me..) and tidy up the fucking shower. Get that green, gunky shit that looks like stringy phlegm off of the ceiling and stop playing with it every morning, it’s gross. A lady should be treated like a lady, even when she’s taking a shit (just kidding, we all know girls don’t shit), so make sure you let her know that you’re considering her preferences. Just be careful not to make it too feminine with bath salts and shit (GAY CENTRAL).

Guitar

I mean, this just goes without saying, but girls like musicians. Girls like artists of all kinds, especially when they can play instruments (singing is optional; don’t sound like shit please). Even if you can’t play, who cares, just own the fucking guitar. Let it sit there, collect cobwebs, whatever. But make sure that when this lovely lady comes over you dust that fucker off. It can just sit and glisten like a gilded sapphire; trust me, the guitar does all the work. Just make sure it’s not a piece of shit from Wal-Mart— girls are very intuitive. 

Good DVDs

If there was ever a good time to hide your shitty DVDs— you know, morbid classics like Freddy Got Fingered and basically anything from Tyler Perry— right now would be that time. If you’re going to spend time with this girl, at one point you’re most likely going to turn to the T.V. for some entertainment. Having some good cinematic flicks on that rack can definitely boost you some points on her scale, as contrarily it can have an adverse effect if they all blow balls. Make sure the films suit you though; don’t just buy The Piano because it got good reviews.

Healthy Food

Why don’t you go ahead and toss that half-chewed-up prosciutto bacon burger that you bought from Sonic a week ago and replace it with a shiny red apple. Seriously, that’s fucking gross bro. You’re not a broke college student anymore, so stop investing in Domino’s and start shopping smarter. We’re not talking Whole Foods here, just better stuff than what you’ve been consuming. Buy whole wheat instead of white, grapes instead of candy-coated peanuts, grilled chicken instead of french fries, you know? Just be sure to actually eat the stuff, or else it’s kind of a waste..

Fine Wine

I’m not entirely sure how your liquor stash looks, but if it involves anything with the words Dubra or Malibu rum, then chances are you’re shit out of luck. Revamp a little and update your wine collection. By all means you don’t have to be a connoisseur, just ask around. Ask what’s good, tasty, aged well, blah blah blah— the sales associate is literally paid to help you. Just make sure not to pinch too many pennies here and get the $6 bottle. I know it’s tempting, but as mentioned earlier, women can detect these sort of things. Don’t fuck it up.

Art

Sprucing up your blank-white walls with some framed art can compliment your space very well. Even if you’re not the most art-savvy person, who cares? Is she really going to call you out on some butterfly-infested picture of swaying dandelions and question your knowledge on the artist’s biography? No should be the answer to that last question, because if she does then she’s fucking weird and you’re better off with a $60 hooker. Regardless, your apartment will look nice and homely with some good ol’ art, just make sure it’s not of stuff that you actually drew. Nobody likes a show off.

Cooking Supplies

It’s not enough to have some good Tupperware these days, no, you’ve got to have some food to go along with it. Women like a man that can cook— in fact, according to a statistic that I made up, it’s one of their biggest turn-ons. Yeah. Seriously though, just get some spices, construct a spice rack, have some sterling silver pots and pans lying around and presto, she’s hooked. I mean, sure, you’ll have to put your skills to the test one night, but hopefully by then you’ve taken the initiative to practice. Always make sure she’s not a vegetarian or allergic to peanuts though, because Lord knows one of your meals will consist of these female taboos.

Family Photos

For whatever reason, chicks dig dudes that are family-oriented. I mean, it makes sense. And it should be evident. Put some pictures up of you and mom and little bro going out to eat at that dope-ass Asian restaurant.. you know, the one with the homemade dumplings. Just don’t go fucking bananas and put up like 30 photos of your mom.. that’s creepy. Unless she’s hot of course.. (but on that note, you shouldn’t be thinking like that anyway, this isn’t Alabama!)

This a make-or-break type of thing, so be wary of your situation. First impressions are everything, and if a girl gets a weird vibe you might just never see her again.

So be smart, and follow my advice, it could save your relationship. Or not, whatever.

Cheers!

image [via]

As we slowly enter the month of May, gangly awkward Asperger’s-like wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg— creator of a little social-networking smorgasbord known as Facebook— is gearing up with his fellow rocket scientist cadets (in a far, far away lab in the boondocks of Palo Alto, Calif.) for a highly-anticipated IPO.

They’re going public! (Soon, we think.. Or hope.)

That’s right, that dumb site that you pathetically consume nine hours of your freedom in a day on, Facebook, will finally be public and a part of stock market history.

And, we recently got word that Zuckerberg might actually wear a suit and tie for opening day! Holy shit Mark, you sartorial son of a gun you.

But does ‘The Zuck’ have what it takes to make this business model work?

Let’s check it out.

The social-networking site, which will appear under the ticker ‘FB’ on the tech-heavy Nasdaq, has high hopes to enter the NYSE on May 18th, which could mean that a shitload of average employees will be guaranteed millionaires in just a few weeks.

Hooray! Oh, wait, I don’t work there.. #TeamGoogle bitches.

Investors, already in a pre-bullish mindset for the social site, have been estimating Facebook’s shares to sell at a whopping $35 opening day. 

The company intends on raising $13.6 billion (holy moly!), but in reality, could actually be worth a cool $75 billion (gadzooks!) once you take the shares that the existing investors already own into consideration.

But, you also have to warily incorporate their past and present deficits. In Facebook’s most recently reported Q1 earnings, the social-network site showed a 12% slump in net income ($233 mil to $205 mil) over the past year, even as their revenue soared.

On a lighter note though, their mobile users rose 13% to a solid 488 million people, which further proves the ever-growing reliability and importance of going mobile.

Much of Facebook’s revenue comes from ads (82%!), so if they’re wise, they’ll shift more ads to mobile and tablet platforms. Especially since we’re an indolent society and slowly steering away from desktop computers more and more by the day.

Being the new kid on the block, Facebook will have to square off with fierce competition on the floor— with adversaries such as tech juggernaut Apple or search engine romper stomper Google, or even measly old Yahoo; the rivalries will most definitely run rampant.

Personally, from a blogger and media junkie’s point of view, with Zuckerberg driving this boat, he’s going to have to improve his A-game. 

Once public, there is going to be a vast amount of responsibility, and all eyes will be watching. If something goes awry or taints the brand in any way, BOOM, the numbers will slump. But simultaneously, if things go well, the stock will advance, putting more money in the social network’s bank.

An innovative approach?

Put the stock ticker on the Facebook homepage.

Yes. I mean, what better way to spread awareness than to put your company’s progress on the front page of the most popular website in the world? You can engage users from all around— those familiar and unfamiliar with the financial market— and it will force them to inquire inevitably, mainly because they’ll get so fucking sick of looking at it.

The key here is expansion. What Zuckerberg and crew need to do is expand even more globally. I mean, the U.S. makes up a chunk of Facebook’s platform, but not nearly enough. Sure, North America contributed about $524 million in revenue for the social-network giant, but that’s just a small fraction. What about the other continents?

Asia is a cardinal factor here. Once Facebook has conquered those standoffish fuckers they’ll be in good shape. I mean, penetrating into China is like trying to get into the pants of a prude Catholic girl— it’s just not happening. Unless there is swooning.

Swoon Facebook, swoon!

In conjunction, my other caveat to this whole IPO ordeal is Zuckerberg’s power. He has a large stake in the business— a solid 57% say in matters— and he must be undoubtedly proactive, prudent and pragmatic. That’s right, the 3 P’s. Take notes, fuckers.

My only incredulity is that the guy is 27 years old. Sure, he’s got a bright head on his shoulders, but I don’t think he has experienced enough of the business aspect of this company, or any company for that matter, that would deem him suitable for such a powerful role.

I mean shit, I’m 24 and can barely assemble a Turkey Club, and you’re going to tell me that this scrub who’s three years my senior is going to manage a public multi-billion dollar company, with other people’s money at stake?

Yikes.

As mentioned earlier though, Zuckerberg has a good head on his shoulders. The 27-year-old curly mop-top, or professional negotiating ninja as he should be called, did manage to bargain down Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom from a mighty $2 billion offer to a meager $1 billion deal after all.

Wait, what? That Instagram dude wanted how much?! $2 billion for a fucking picture program???! Ever heard of Photoshop?

The acquisition comes just in time for a pre-IPO debut, and to further illustrate Zuckerberg’s power, he sneakily did it without his board of directors.

That’s right, the board wasn’t even present at the time of. Albeit they were aware of it, they were not informed of Zuck’s sit-down with Systrom, as the deal was sealed on the day of.

So, in a sense, it’s kind of scary how much power Marky Mark has over the company, and at such a young age, it can be overwhelming. Stress, greed, fame— all are conducive factors to a potential breakdown.

But I guess we’ll just have to see how this whole thing pans out.

The only advice, besides the rant that I’ve just provided here, that I can give to Mark Zuckerberg is to not go fucking crazy. Don’t be a pussy, make powerful decisions and don’t blow all of the company’s money on any more frivolous capital expenditures. (Don’t be like Google.)

Until then, we’ll see you trading day.

Adios!

SOURCE: [VentureBeat] [CNNMoney] [Statista]

Jobs these days are hard to come by. But, on another note, sometimes they just plain fucking suck.

Whether it’s a dickhead boss or an insubordinate staff member who never stops talking or the job itself just blows balls, you’re more than likely inclined to lean towards quitting.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, you are only human after all.

But, if you’re going to do so, do it in a creative way!

Last week some dude quit his job of 12 years at snob-infested Goldman Sachs and later wrote about it in a New York Times op-ed piece. He didn’t just write about the company, he eviscerated them; referring to the GS environment as “toxic”— a loose term that doesn’t surprise us at all when describing a prestigious, douchey firm such as Sachs.

So, I present to you, five other cool ways to quit your job.

1.) With Song 

Music is the key to the heart (that’s not a real saying..). Everybody loves the gift of song, so what better way of getting your point across to your scumbag boss than singing him/her a little tune about how you really feel about crunching numbers. You can even choreograph a little to make it look a bit more professional. Shit, go fucking bananas, grab a top hat, a cane, some sparkly vests and shit, the whole nine yards! They won’t even know what hit them, and even worse, they’ll have the song stuck in their head all day; it’s a win-win!

**For extra effect, hire a Mariachi band to play alongside.

2.) Paper Trail

This is kind of like leaving rose petals for your sweetheart, anticipating a big surprise for him/her in the upstairs closet, except a little different. In this case, you should leave little pieces of paper, or “clues,” for your boss to follow, that will lead them to your empty desk. Then there should be a big, regal “Go Fuck Yourself” note sitting there waiting for them. And, if you really want to have an everlasting effect, install one of those jack-in-the-box wind-up boxing glove thingies that are time-sensitive. That way, when your boss walks in and reads the note, the glove will spring out and punch them in the jaw moments later, leaving more than a bad taste in their mouth.

3.) Through Text

Nothing is more ridiculously careless than quitting your job via a text message. Not only does it show how lazy you truly are, but it also shows that wow, you really don’t give a fuck. And that’s perfect. That’ll really get under your boss’s skin— the ultimate goal here. And since there’s so much ambiguity to texts, you can leave him/her something like, “Hey, Jerry, this job sucks, I quit, go fuck yaself you prick, have a nice day!” and then slap on some emoticons and shit [you know, these things.. :) ;) 8^)] and it’ll really confuse the hell out of them.

4.) Carrier Pigeon

Think these archaic, antiquated little bird-messengers are all extinct? Think again! Do a local Google search for somebody who specializes in pigeon messaging— a method that has long proven efficacy since before the Internet era— and send that little fucker straight to your boss’s office. He/she will think you’re so creative for thinking up such an idea that they’ll be mad you quit in the first place. 

5.) Spousal Sex

If you’re able to get your boss’s wife/husband to sleep with you, even if ambien has to be involved, then by all means go for it. Having sex with their significant others in the office, on their desk, during work hours, is by far the best, not to mention most disrespectful, way one can go about quitting their job. And, even better, you should also have one of those Lite-Brite things set up with a big middle finger illuminated in the background, just so when they walk in they get the “big” picture. 

You can try these methods and more, as you try to cope with the fact that you have a shitty job.

And, if these don’t work or you want to try something different, you can always try out the stuff that they do in movies. [See: Office Space, Jerry Maguire, etc.]

Good luck and happy travels!

[image via Shutterstock]