As we slowly enter the month of May, gangly awkward Asperger’s-like wunderkind Mark Zuckerberg— creator of a little social-networking smorgasbord known as Facebook— is gearing up with his fellow rocket scientist cadets (in a far, far away lab in the boondocks of Palo Alto, Calif.) for a highly-anticipated IPO.

They’re going public! (Soon, we think.. Or hope.)

That’s right, that dumb site that you pathetically consume nine hours of your freedom in a day on, Facebook, will finally be public and a part of stock market history.

And, we recently got word that Zuckerberg might actually wear a suit and tie for opening day! Holy shit Mark, you sartorial son of a gun you.

But does ‘The Zuck’ have what it takes to make this business model work?

Let’s check it out.

The social-networking site, which will appear under the ticker ‘FB’ on the tech-heavy Nasdaq, has high hopes to enter the NYSE on May 18th, which could mean that a shitload of average employees will be guaranteed millionaires in just a few weeks.

Hooray! Oh, wait, I don’t work there.. #TeamGoogle bitches.

Investors, already in a pre-bullish mindset for the social site, have been estimating Facebook’s shares to sell at a whopping $35 opening day. 

The company intends on raising $13.6 billion (holy moly!), but in reality, could actually be worth a cool $75 billion (gadzooks!) once you take the shares that the existing investors already own into consideration.

But, you also have to warily incorporate their past and present deficits. In Facebook’s most recently reported Q1 earnings, the social-network site showed a 12% slump in net income ($233 mil to $205 mil) over the past year, even as their revenue soared.

On a lighter note though, their mobile users rose 13% to a solid 488 million people, which further proves the ever-growing reliability and importance of going mobile.

Much of Facebook’s revenue comes from ads (82%!), so if they’re wise, they’ll shift more ads to mobile and tablet platforms. Especially since we’re an indolent society and slowly steering away from desktop computers more and more by the day.

Being the new kid on the block, Facebook will have to square off with fierce competition on the floor— with adversaries such as tech juggernaut Apple or search engine romper stomper Google, or even measly old Yahoo; the rivalries will most definitely run rampant.

Personally, from a blogger and media junkie’s point of view, with Zuckerberg driving this boat, he’s going to have to improve his A-game. 

Once public, there is going to be a vast amount of responsibility, and all eyes will be watching. If something goes awry or taints the brand in any way, BOOM, the numbers will slump. But simultaneously, if things go well, the stock will advance, putting more money in the social network’s bank.

An innovative approach?

Put the stock ticker on the Facebook homepage.

Yes. I mean, what better way to spread awareness than to put your company’s progress on the front page of the most popular website in the world? You can engage users from all around— those familiar and unfamiliar with the financial market— and it will force them to inquire inevitably, mainly because they’ll get so fucking sick of looking at it.

The key here is expansion. What Zuckerberg and crew need to do is expand even more globally. I mean, the U.S. makes up a chunk of Facebook’s platform, but not nearly enough. Sure, North America contributed about $524 million in revenue for the social-network giant, but that’s just a small fraction. What about the other continents?

Asia is a cardinal factor here. Once Facebook has conquered those standoffish fuckers they’ll be in good shape. I mean, penetrating into China is like trying to get into the pants of a prude Catholic girl— it’s just not happening. Unless there is swooning.

Swoon Facebook, swoon!

In conjunction, my other caveat to this whole IPO ordeal is Zuckerberg’s power. He has a large stake in the business— a solid 57% say in matters— and he must be undoubtedly proactive, prudent and pragmatic. That’s right, the 3 P’s. Take notes, fuckers.

My only incredulity is that the guy is 27 years old. Sure, he’s got a bright head on his shoulders, but I don’t think he has experienced enough of the business aspect of this company, or any company for that matter, that would deem him suitable for such a powerful role.

I mean shit, I’m 24 and can barely assemble a Turkey Club, and you’re going to tell me that this scrub who’s three years my senior is going to manage a public multi-billion dollar company, with other people’s money at stake?

Yikes.

As mentioned earlier though, Zuckerberg has a good head on his shoulders. The 27-year-old curly mop-top, or professional negotiating ninja as he should be called, did manage to bargain down Instagram CEO Kevin Systrom from a mighty $2 billion offer to a meager $1 billion deal after all.

Wait, what? That Instagram dude wanted how much?! $2 billion for a fucking picture program???! Ever heard of Photoshop?

The acquisition comes just in time for a pre-IPO debut, and to further illustrate Zuckerberg’s power, he sneakily did it without his board of directors.

That’s right, the board wasn’t even present at the time of. Albeit they were aware of it, they were not informed of Zuck’s sit-down with Systrom, as the deal was sealed on the day of.

So, in a sense, it’s kind of scary how much power Marky Mark has over the company, and at such a young age, it can be overwhelming. Stress, greed, fame— all are conducive factors to a potential breakdown.

But I guess we’ll just have to see how this whole thing pans out.

The only advice, besides the rant that I’ve just provided here, that I can give to Mark Zuckerberg is to not go fucking crazy. Don’t be a pussy, make powerful decisions and don’t blow all of the company’s money on any more frivolous capital expenditures. (Don’t be like Google.)

Until then, we’ll see you trading day.

Adios!

SOURCE: [VentureBeat] [CNNMoney] [Statista]

Jobs these days are hard to come by. But, on another note, sometimes they just plain fucking suck.

Whether it’s a dickhead boss or an insubordinate staff member who never stops talking or the job itself just blows balls, you’re more than likely inclined to lean towards quitting.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, you are only human after all.

But, if you’re going to do so, do it in a creative way!

Last week some dude quit his job of 12 years at snob-infested Goldman Sachs and later wrote about it in a New York Times op-ed piece. He didn’t just write about the company, he eviscerated them; referring to the GS environment as “toxic”— a loose term that doesn’t surprise us at all when describing a prestigious, douchey firm such as Sachs.

So, I present to you, five other cool ways to quit your job.

1.) With Song 

Music is the key to the heart (that’s not a real saying..). Everybody loves the gift of song, so what better way of getting your point across to your scumbag boss than singing him/her a little tune about how you really feel about crunching numbers. You can even choreograph a little to make it look a bit more professional. Shit, go fucking bananas, grab a top hat, a cane, some sparkly vests and shit, the whole nine yards! They won’t even know what hit them, and even worse, they’ll have the song stuck in their head all day; it’s a win-win!

**For extra effect, hire a Mariachi band to play alongside.

2.) Paper Trail

This is kind of like leaving rose petals for your sweetheart, anticipating a big surprise for him/her in the upstairs closet, except a little different. In this case, you should leave little pieces of paper, or “clues,” for your boss to follow, that will lead them to your empty desk. Then there should be a big, regal “Go Fuck Yourself” note sitting there waiting for them. And, if you really want to have an everlasting effect, install one of those jack-in-the-box wind-up boxing glove thingies that are time-sensitive. That way, when your boss walks in and reads the note, the glove will spring out and punch them in the jaw moments later, leaving more than a bad taste in their mouth.

3.) Through Text

Nothing is more ridiculously careless than quitting your job via a text message. Not only does it show how lazy you truly are, but it also shows that wow, you really don’t give a fuck. And that’s perfect. That’ll really get under your boss’s skin— the ultimate goal here. And since there’s so much ambiguity to texts, you can leave him/her something like, “Hey, Jerry, this job sucks, I quit, go fuck yaself you prick, have a nice day!” and then slap on some emoticons and shit [you know, these things.. :) ;) 8^)] and it’ll really confuse the hell out of them.

4.) Carrier Pigeon

Think these archaic, antiquated little bird-messengers are all extinct? Think again! Do a local Google search for somebody who specializes in pigeon messaging— a method that has long proven efficacy since before the Internet era— and send that little fucker straight to your boss’s office. He/she will think you’re so creative for thinking up such an idea that they’ll be mad you quit in the first place. 

5.) Spousal Sex

If you’re able to get your boss’s wife/husband to sleep with you, even if ambien has to be involved, then by all means go for it. Having sex with their significant others in the office, on their desk, during work hours, is by far the best, not to mention most disrespectful, way one can go about quitting their job. And, even better, you should also have one of those Lite-Brite things set up with a big middle finger illuminated in the background, just so when they walk in they get the “big” picture. 

You can try these methods and more, as you try to cope with the fact that you have a shitty job.

And, if these don’t work or you want to try something different, you can always try out the stuff that they do in movies. [See: Office Space, Jerry Maguire, etc.]

Good luck and happy travels!

[image via Shutterstock]

                                                                                 [Picture: Not actual child]

Welcome to Shenzhen, China, the city of.. stuff. And Chinese people.

According to the Shanghai Daily, early Wednesday morning, a man purportedly bit off his kid’s penis. That’s right; his child, his offspring, his baby boy, his pride and joy, his little bugga.

Apparently the man was believed to be suffering from some sort of mental disorder at the time, which, I mean, is completely plausible, right? Either that or he was just high out of his fucking mind on acid and PCP and thought his son’s Johnson was an actual hot dog.. or something deliciously, penisly-shaped similar.

The father, 32, and his son and daughter were taking a nice stroll downtown, naked, prior to this little shenanigan, when things just clearly went even more awkwardly downhill— as if a daytime naked family outing wasn’t already.

At first, when the father asked the boy if he would snack on his penis he initially refused (seems logical, no?), so this clearly hurt the dad’s feelings, which forced him to take matters into his own hands.

Hey, when you’re hungry you’re hungry, right? [Just ask the marketers at Snickers.]

That’s how my appetite system works anyway.

Since the boy refused to bite his father’s dong, the father chomped right into the kid’s, ripping it off like a more-aggressive Lorena Bobbitt. 

Ouch!

Onlookers walked by, clearly observing— whilst some avoiding— the little ongoing occurrence, claiming the boy was bleeding profusely crimson blood from his groin area.

Ugh, I hate crotch blood! It’s not the same as when women bleed there..

Luckily, being the good citizens of Shenzhen that they are, the bystanders immediately took action, tackling the deranged penis-nibbling lunatic to the ground and awaited the police’s arrival. And they even grabbed the remainder of the penis that was flung into the bushes! All-star Samaritans right there! [I wonder what it felt like? Wait, no I don’t..]

Afterward, the crazy dad was detained and the boy was rushed to the hospital.

So what the fuck was the little girl doing this whole time you ask? Probably recording the whole thing on her iPhone. I swear, look for it on YouTube later. [Maybe.]

A little background information on the father: He’s divorced, unemployed, and in a shitload of debt. Plus he looks like a scarecrow and he’s no Jeremy Lin.

So, you know, that could explain his irrational behavior.

Luckily enough though, the doctors were able to reattach the young chap’s willy but “he may still risk lifetime disability,” so, it’s kind of a bittersweet outcome. Maybe in the future kid, when your dad asks you to do something, you should just do it. The consequences could be severe.

Happy Thursday!

[Gawker] [Shanghai Daily]

Is your name Gertrude, or Bo? How about Oliver? If so, chances are your parents are secretly hating themselves, like seriously, kicking themselves in the face, for naming you a name of such atrocity.

A recent online survey from some website called Gurgle.com (go figure) is claiming that a purported 54% of parents are regretting their chosen names for their children.

How sweet of them!

How would you like to wake up to that birthday card..

Dearest Allegra,

It’s been amazing watching you grow these last 17 years, and I am honored to call you my child. We have so much faith and trust in your future plans, and believe you can do whatever you set your mind to. On a lighter note, your father and I don’t like your name at all. We hate it. It’s too fucking weird. We should have just went with Jessica. Oh well..

Happy Birthday sweetie!

Joy oh joy!

The U.K-based website Gurgle surveyed 1,000 moms and dads (or mums and duds as they’d say) and came to find that a majority of the parents had wished for an alternative name. And if they could rewind the hands of time, they so would.

Of the survey-taking indecisive guardians, about 26% of them said that the name they had selected, or mistakenly forever branded their child with as I like to put it, had become too “popular.” Along with that, just about half of them (49%) revealed that they felt the name just didn’t suit the child’s personality.

I mean, let’s look at an example here. You can’t name your Star Trek-loving, nerdy Sasquatch-of-a-son Johnny, because it just wouldn’t fit. Johnny is the name of a badass or a mischievous fuck, not some dweeb who counts stamps. Everything needs to align correctly.

It’s all about longevity here, folks. You can’t be selfish and name your kid some weird, abstract name that you read in People magazine (Enter: Suri Cruise), you have to take the child into consideration too. You’re going to feel like shit when that kid comes home after a day’s worth of getting egged, all because the chums at school don’t like his/her name.

But, on another note, that aforementioned survey was also taken by parents in England, not the U.S. Now, the Brits don’t stray too far from us, so there could be some sort of plausible reason why they might have such regret for such a paramount concept.

Who the fuck knows. I certainly don’t. But what I do know, is that when naming your kid, don’t do it drunk or high. And if you do end up not liking it, well, then go ahead and get it changed, just make sure the child hasn’t learned it yet. Problem solved.

Cheers to procreation!

[Huff Po] [image via]

So, you’re strolling around the gym and you don’t feel much like pumping iron at the moment.

Suddenly, out of your peripherals, you spot a bona fide babe working the fuck out of the elliptical across the room.

What’s your first order?

Be cool. Nobody wants to see you and your potential boner through your Nike gym shorts halfway through their set.

Also, getting a girl in a gym is a little trickier, so before pursuing that Pilates hottie, read up and take some notes.

1.) Don’t Give Advice

Stop pretending you have the slightest idea what you’re talking about— in regards to exercise, because chances are you don’t. Saying shit like, “Hey, um, so, yeah, you’re not doing that right, you want to use your legs to further stretch your inner fibia to its flux measures of peak capacity, blah blah blah….” is not becoming at all. You sound and look like a moron. Unless you’re an actual personal trainer, or at least jacked enough to look like one, don’t bother voicing your opinions.

2.) Don’t Stare

Dude, bro, bud, pal, she’s not a piece of meat. I understand that she’s wearing a thin-knit, see-through wifebeater and tight black spandex with her hair up, but pull yourself together; come on. She’s there to work out, and unless there’s incessant eye contact between the two of you, let her do her routine. If opportunity presents itself, then you may strike up a conversation.

3.) Striking Up a Conversation

This can be tough at first because you don’t want to say something corny like, “Hey, so, you here to work out?” Yes shit-for-brains, clearly she is there to put her $150-a-month gym membership to good use by hitting up the ol’ treadmill for a few, duh. But, you are able to swoon her if you can manage to segue into a conversation with a good approach. Something simple like, “Miss, are you all done with this?” can lead to further talk about the equipment, the exercise itself, and what muscles its working. Once again, you’re not giving advice but more so speaking on a mutual level. Along with that, when she’s done with a set, you can help her take the weights off of the machine— a surefire way for reciprocation. You can also ask if she’d like her water bottle filled. Chivalry at its best. Girls like that shit.

4.) Don’t Grunt

Look bro, nobody really cares that you can bench 280lbs and squat 950lbs— if you’re making disgusting grunting sounds that are synonymous to a first-time enema procedure, it can be an instant repellent on prospective females. They’ll think you’re taking a wicked shit whilst simultaneously pumping iron— an unhealthy combination to say the least.

5.) Don’t Comment On Her Body

Women are already insecure as it is, the last thing they want is you commenting on their bare, sweaty bodies and critiquing it. Even if it’s a compliment, since it’s coming from a guy, it’ll most likely still have some sort of subtle sexual connotation to it, and if that doesn’t give it away, your eyes will— nonverbal communication speaks volumes!

6.) Wipe Your Sweat

Gross, man, you’re dripping in a liter of sweat! Seriously, I could fill my bathtub up with the amount of liquid oozing off of your nasty, smelly body; grab a fucking towel Paco. Along with that, make sure your hygiene is up to par. No, you don’t need to be doused in Chanel, but please, for everybody’s sake, at least be wearing deodorant.

7.) No Flexing in the Mirror

Please, avoid this at all costs. Being a guy, I don’t even like it. I think it’s annoying and awkward, especially when you make eye contact. It does nothing but exude narcissism and toolness— traits that you should avoid overdoing. Wait until you get home to check on your skinny, womanlike biceps and your almost-there six-pack, or at least the locker room, sheesh.

8.) DON’T ATTEMPT IF SHE’S WEARING HEADPHONES

I capitalized this because it’s last, but most certainly the most important. Under few situations are you to talk to her while her earbuds are in. Don’t risk it; especially if it’s going to be some stupid, trivial compliment, furthering projecting your douchebaggery. I mean, yeah, if it’s an emergency like the gym is on fire or something and she’s too blind to notice then sure, go ahead, but then again, you shouldn’t be pursuing someone that dumb anyway, so, yeah.

Try a few of these out and hey, maybe you’ll get lucky.

I pull in gym poon at least four times a week, so don’t worry, you’ll get there soon.

Happy trails!